This is a list of things we have seen people do or may be guilty of doing ourselves. Is any of this you? Don't be that office offender man. Get help. I'm just saying if this is you, you need to cover your tracks cause someone has spotted you and taken note...
#10.
The XEROX copy jam offenderIs this you? Are you constantly using that same, old F-ed up copier that your office refuses to replace but KNOWS doesn't work worth a damn? I mean this sucker jams on the wekends when no one is even there. Look, you know it jams and so do I so be prepared. It's 2005, these copiers walk you through un-jaming process. So the next time you are copying an expense report, don't yell out, "son of a bitch!" and run away to the next printer down the hall, only to leave your damn papers somewhere in the recesses of the copier fo rthe next man to un-clog. Just take a minute to follow the visual guide right on the damn printer.
#9.
Excited Announcement GuyAre you pressed to be the first to tell everyone that you finally got a parking space IN the building? Do you stand up, stretch and yawn, "going to SoHo cause it's that time." every day around 12:30? How come you are talking to everyone and NO ONE at the same time? Who cares if it's your lunch time, do YOU but do it silently. This person has also been known to walk into the department meetings late to proclaim that the
free Starbuck's in the break room is, "The Shit, ain't it?".
#8
. The Tantrum throwerThis particular person is always spoiling an office get together. You know when everyone has crammed into the board room for the monthly birthday celebration or holiday gathering. Are you known for storming out of the room after feeling "shafted" for not winning the drawing for the $25 gift certificate to CVS or extra personal day of leave? This is just a giveaway. You didn't have it to begin with, so it's not like you lost anything. No one in HR is secretly taking your name of the list but if you keep this up, one day you could come to work to find that your pass key doesn't work. Slow down on the public displays of disappointment.
#7.
The Rhetorical Office GigglerNot quite sure if this is you or a colleague? Let me tell you, if you have a mini portable TV in your cube or are streaming audio every day from your favorite radio show via the 'net and you can't help but respond out loud to what you hear, this is YOU. I shouldn't be hearing you five cubicles away going, "Ah, Wendy Williams.Girl you'se a trip!" or "Damn that Victor Newman!" You don't want anyone to know that these are your secret worktime escapes. Shhhhhh!
#6.
The Nap BanditThis is the ultimate no-no and getting caught can mean you are canned. Are you creeping into your vacationing colleague's office to take a nap on his couch? Are you closing your own door at lunch time to get under your desk with your calls forwarded to your voicemail? If this is you, you need to stop. I can't even say anything else.
#5.
The Speaker Phone JerkDo you answer your phone on speaker like you are in the kitchen cooking fried chicken? Do you come into work and check your messages from over the weekend using the speaker feature? Even worse, are you the asshole who regularly takes conference calls in your office, feet on the desk, reclined back in your chair with the damn door WIDE open? Be courteous to your neighbors. Another thing I can't stand is when people in offices love to talk as loudly as possible (as if using a speaker phone) to colleagues and never close their doors. These are the same people who peer out at you (who sit in an open space) as if YOU are disturbing THEM with your conversation while they work. My advice for these jerks: Take advantage of your doors and close them.
#4.
Monitor EncroachersThese are a special kind of people. They think they are sly but they ain't. They run up on you as if in a hurry needing to borrow something or asking to look at your outlook schedule OR perhaps they "need" you to help them with something they can't figure out on their own PC. Yeah right. They know good and well there is some type of established barrier between them and you. A "Buffer Zone", if you will, that limits the proximity they can have to you, your desk supplies and most importantly, your monitor. These ne'er do-goods always, no matter how much in a hurry they seem, have time to glance out of the corner of their eye or lean over your desk to catch a glimpse of what
may or
may not be up on your screen. Fall back, you damn eye hustlers! These "office spies" work for no one but themselves. They are just plain nosy.
#3.
The Supply Order JunkyYou gotta watch out for these bammas. They are in charge of ordering and approving supply orders at your job. They always seem to "come up" on the right stuff. As frequently as it's done, many people turned a closed eye to those who take a pad on post-it notes home or use some extra paper clips here and there, but don't think SOMEONE, doesn't know about the digital camera you bought online and tried to charge to the operations department. Caution, if you are going to do this know that you face the ultimate consequence for not hooking your peoples up, especially if you are bargging about it. Victimless crime, you are thinking to yourself, huh? The office only does audits every ten years and by then you'll be gone. This is a thief's ticket to no-where's-ville. Don't be that offender who claims they are ordering a dry-erase board to keep the "office straight" when really you are taking it home to organize your kids' after-school and weekend activites.
#2.
The UserThis particular person thinks that the office is fair game for them to complete PTA activities and that the supplies at work are at their discretion. Are you using photoshop to make a presentation for little Day-jah's 5th birthday? Is Nanny turning 90 this year? Let me give you a word of advice. This type of slickery should only be done
before or
after normal work hours. You will eventually get caught. Ain't nothing worse than to think you're getting away with something until you realize you just left pictures from your cousin Nay-Nay's baby shower sitting on the color copier. Even worse, from your sister's bachelorette party. Your co-worker's should not have a mental image of MYSTIKAL, male stripper extraodinaire, flippin you up in the air. Think, before you USE.
#1.
The Lunctime ShoppersNow, now I know we've all run out to get some earrings for the club. Or picked up some lotion or a birthday card at the CVS because it's right across the street from the job. I am not talking about those people. I am talking about the addicts. The ones who know when every major sale will hit, which department stores downtown and the metro stops through which to access them.
Sorry to say, but these people are working at a Federal Agency near you! They will tell their supervisors that they are having a lunch with "an old acquaintence" whom they haven't seen in a while. This is just the back story, the "set-up". The reasonable excuse as to why their normal 30 minute lunch break has turned into 1.5 hours of an un-accounted for disappearance.
These people are out-of-control. Do they THINK that not
one person from the office might not spot them walking up the street with two handfulls of bags from Hecht's or Filene's ?(the most patronized stores for these offenders) They think they have it all worked out, going in "the side way" then scurrying up the hallway to leave their bags with the receptionist who "got their back" so they don't have to try to sneak any of those bags passed anyone's office. These people are guilty of the GRANDFATHER of all crimes frowned upon in the office. The lunchtime fakeout!They have been known to sneak off during building fire drills as well. After 15 minutes of waiting and watching for the fire trucks, they think it's a green light into a lunch break. Don't let it be like 10:45 in the morning you might not see Shanita and them again until 2 p.m.
Why does that bamma look just like M.C. Brains?
